Evil is Funny
by Leftomaniac
Summary: A three-part series, combining classic horror movies and music of varying quality.
1. Psycho California

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Author's Note: Yeah, so… for some random reason I thought it would be a good idea to do a series of song parodies with the themes of various horror movies. This'll be updated erratically, I'm sure. Hopefully it'll give you a laugh or two, and give me something to do while I wait to graduate high school. No own.

First up: **Psycho California!**

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(The opening notes of the Psycho theme play, slowly melting into the cool strains of Hotel California. Appropriate clips from the movie play as Marion Crane's voice sings in the background)

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Marion: _Driving across the state line_

Running from the law

Rain splashing on my windshield

Like a vat of coleslaw

Up ahead in the distance

I saw a vacancy sign

I pulled my car into the parking lot

I thought I'd be just fine!

There he stood in the doorway

Like a ticking time bomb

He told me that a boy's best friend

Was his dear old mom

Then he picked up a big knife

And showed me to my room

As I started to unpack my things

I heard the voice of doom, say…

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Norman Bates: _Welcome to the lovely Bates Motel, yeah…_

Such a lovely life…

Such a bloody knife

You don't stay long at the lovely Bates Motel, yeah…

Off the beaten track… 

Better watch your back!

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Marion: _Sweat stuck skin to my clothing_

I needed a shower bad

There was no number high enough

To count the hygiene troubles I had

So I turned on the spigot

Aaaand, I stepped in…

When out of nowhere, I could hear

Shrieking violins!

Saw him over my shoulder

I was dripping wet

And I thought, "This is just about as forward,

As he could ever get!"

But in the back of mind I felt something wrong…

He didn't pull out what I had hoped for

But still, it sure was long!

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Norman Bates: _Welcome to the lovely Bates Motel, yeah…_

How could you have known…?

Should have just stayed home

Never check out of the lovely Bates Motel, yeah…

Such a big surprise… 

Such wide open eyes…

__

(There is a brief pause, at which point Alfred Hitchcock walks by in the background)

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Marion: _Bloodstains on the porcelain_

Close up of my eye

When I left for work that morning

I didn't plan to die

He said his name is Norman

His family life is a mess

But I have to admit to myself

He looked good in that dress!

(The song ends with an extensive instrumental solo, punctuated by the occasional random violin)

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Look out for my next parody, **I Am Satan** to be added here as a second chapter.


	2. I Am Satan

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Author's Note: Yeah, this one's a little bit longer than the last. Might have been better received if it had been done a few years ago, but once I go the idea I couldn't stop. 

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(Camera shows the beginning of the famous bedroom scene from The Exorcist. Regan is on the shaking bed, writhing, moaning, etc. Father Merrin holds out a crucifix at arm's length, while Father Karras stands shocked behind him)

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Father Merrin: (Dramatically) The power of Christ compels you!

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(There is no response from Regan. Father Merrin looks determined, raising his voice)

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Father Merrin: (More dramatically) The power of Christ _compels _you!

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(There is still no response from Regan. Father Merrin turns to Father Karras)

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Father Merrin: We're going to have a problem here.

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(Regan sits up. Her head spins 360 degrees, and she begins to sing in a deep bass) 

Regan: (Devil Voice) _Y'all act like you never seen pure evil before!_

Spewin' bile and gore

And yet here you're comin' back for more!

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Father Merrin: _God is gonna whoop your ass even worse than before_

Bedsheets are all torn

Mother whacked with the furniture

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Regan: (D.V.) _It's the return of the Mangoat!_

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Father Merrin:_ No way, you're kidding,_

Lord hear me and let my cry come unto thee

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Father Karras: Amen.

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Regan: (D.V.) _Your mother's in here..._

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Father Karras:(Claps hands over his ears) _I'm not listening, you idiot, my mother's dead_

Let's get on with it!

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Father Merrin: _Time to get crackin' _

With the Latin

Sanct-a, sanct-a, sanct-a, sanct-sanctus

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Regan: (D.V.) _You'll never win _

You're so dim!

Walking around in your penguin suit

You motherfucking fruit!

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Father Merrin: _Hey, that ain't cute, now…_

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Regan: (D.V.)(As she sings the next part, the bed shakes harder than ever and begins to lift off the ground)

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Yeah, I might have treated my mother like a sex toy

But it's no worse than what you've done to some altar boys

If you wanna mess with me, you'd better watch your back

Or else you just might wind up dead of a heart attack!

(Father Merrin clutches his chest and falls to the ground. Father Karras looks horrified, but continues the exorcism)

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Father Karras: _The bed is on the floor!_

The bed is on the floor!

You'll never get away with this, you little demon whore!

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(As Father Karras chants, the bed lowers to the ground)

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Father Karras: _I'll make sure you leave the body of that poor little girl!_

Creatures such as you must have no place in this world!

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Regan: (D.V.) _Well if you like precious little girls so much_

Then why don't you (censored)

And (censored) (censored) (censored) to her, buttmunch?!

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Father Karras: _You're warping the children's minds!_

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Regan: (D.V. ) _Give it up, the sow is mine!_

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Father Karras: _What kind of horrible, despicable monster_

Would take an innocent little girl and do this to her?

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Regan: (Now in the voice of Karras's mother)

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Oh come on now, don't you dare try to play dumb with me,

My Dimmy.

But if you're going to ask what this is all about…

I'm sure you know who I am, but why not remove all doubt?

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(Chorus)

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Regan: (D.V.) _I am Satan, yes, I'm the real Satan_

All you candy-ass Daemons are just immitatin'

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Father Karras: _Oh, won't you please leave Regan?_

Please get out

Please get out, please get out

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Regan: (D.V.) _Yes, I am Satan, and, I'm the first fallen_

All you lesser non-Satans had better start your bawlin'

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Father Karras: _…And that's why I've come callin'_

Please get out

Please get out, please get out

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Regan: (D.V.) _I torture souls in hell down under the ground_

But right now, I'm up here walking around

You think I'm gonna let you send me back there?

Shit, that place is hot, and all the demon chicks have back hair!

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Father Karras: _You don't belong in Washington, you belong there_

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Regan: (D.V.) _What? Haven't you ever heard of Robert Yates?_

Slicin' people up like he was Norman Bates!

Hell yeah! 

My influence is spread around the whole damn earth

In everyone from Martha Stewart to Fred Durst

The devil's back in style, so expect the worst!

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Father Karras: _Little bitch, I know your tricks, tryin' to make me quit_

But I won't, 'cause I don't believe your lies and shit

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Regan: (M.V.) _My little baby, why you do these things to me?_

You left me and it killed me, what a son you've been!

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Father Karras: (Covers his ears) Stop!

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Regan: (M.V.) _Please, little Dimmy, your mother needs you_

Be a good son and help me

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Father Karras: _Stop it! I've come here to destroy you!_

You aren't my mother, anyone can see

I'm hip to you, and your lies can't persuade me

So keep it up and it won't get you far

There's no way you can fool me, I know who you are…

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Regan: (D.V.) _I am Satan, yes, I'm the real Satan_

All you candy-ass Daemons are just immitatin'

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Father Karras: _Oh, won't you please leave Regan?_

Please get out

Please get out, please get out

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Regan: (D.V.) _Yes, I am Satan, I'm the Deadly Seven_

You imitatin' Satans can all go to heaven

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Father Karras: _Hear my prayer, God in heaven_

Please get out

Please get out, please get out

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Regan: (D.V.) _I cause hatred and suffering_

Cruelty and everything

You've ever hated in this world, everybody sing!

You'll never stop me; you don't have the balls

You can't compete at all

Your back is against the wall

And you'll slip, and you'll fall, y'all. 

You're a twit and won't admit it

But you eat crap and shit it

'Cause you suck, and you blow and you bite

And you rot, and you stink and you smell

And your mom sucks cocks in hell!

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Father Karras: _I've the power of God on my side_

So I have no doubt

That I will come out alive

And since you're such an evil jerk you won't survive

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Regan: (D.V.) _That's a lie! And you know that I'll get you in the end_

This whole exorcism brought us closer, my friend

Your body I will burn and your soul I will rend!

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Father Karras: _Those are pretty tough words you sing_

But next to God, you're nothing

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Regan: (D.V.) _God is dead and so is Nietzsche_

The only one who's left is me!

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Father Karras: _You keep pushing me, and I have to shout_

You bad 'ol Satan you, please get out

Just start packing your bags up and leave, get out

Get outta the kid, outta the house and outta the world

Just let Regan be a normal little girl!

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Regan: (D.V.) _No! 'Cause I'm Satan, yes, I'm the real Satan_

All you candy-ass Daemons are just immitatin'

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Father Karras: _Oh, won't you please leave Regan?_

Please get out

Please get out, please get out

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Regan: (D.V.) _Yes, I am Satan, I'm the Star of Morning_

When you started this thing you were given fair warning

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Father Karras: _I can't take this much more-ing_

Please get out

Please get out, please get out

(Spoken) Damn you! (Starts strangling Regan)

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Regan: (Normal voice) Yipe!

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(Regan's appearance returns to normal, Father Karras staggers and his eyes turn yellow-green. He turns to the camera and smiles)

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Father Karras: (D.V.) I guess there's a little Satan in all of us. (Winks, fade out)


	3. Don't Watch Cursed Tape

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Author's Note: It's the end of my little trilogy now. If you've seen The Ring but not Ringu, you should still be able to easily understand this. Just mentally replace _Nanako _with _Rachel,_ _Sadako_ with _Samara,_ and _father _with _mother._

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(Nanako sits trembling in front of a television, having just watched the video. She looks up and shrieks as she sees Sadako's reflection standing behind her in the screen. She turns around and shrieks again to see Sadako standing behind her, just as she appears in the reflection.) 

(The audience begins to scratch their heads, muttering that this isn't how it's supposed to go.) 

(Nanako cringes against the wall in terror as Sadako advances shakily on her. Suddenly the opening chord of "Ride on Shooting Star" plays. Sadako stops and Nanako looks confused. The second chord plays, and we can suddenly see a smile under Sadako's hair. As the peppy Jpop music plays, she begins to dance in time. Nanako gets up and joins her.)
    
    
    **Disembodied Voices: **_Erupting volcanoes
    Woman in mir-ror
    Lots of confusing im-a-ges
    You can find them there
    _
    **Nanako and Sadako: **_Crawling,
    Broken bodies, you're scared as hell
    When you see that eye looking at you
    From the video, watch out for that well!
    _
    **Disembodied Voices: **_Yi-yi yi yi!
    _
    **Nanako: **_Don't watch cursed tape!
    You won't like what you see
    _
    **Sadako:**You've just got seven days
    Until you meet me!
    
    **Nanako and Sadako: **_No-no no-no don't!
    _
    **Sadako: **_My father was a bad man
    But I was much worse
    He may have brought on my death
    But _I _brought the curse!
    _
    **Nanako: **_Oh no
    Please won't you go, leave us alone
    My little boy is too young to die
    Just please go away, and I'll give you pie!
    _
    **Disembodied Voices: **_Yi-yi yi yi!
    _
    **Nanako: **_Don't watch cursed tape!
    You won't like what you see
    _
    **Sadako:**You've just got seven days
    Until you meet me!
    
    **Nanako: **_Don't watch cursed tape!
    It's a bad thing to do!
    _
    **Sadako:**You've just got seven days
    Until I kill you!
    **
    Nanako and Sadako: **_No-no no-no don't!
    _
    **Nanako: **_Just don't!
    (Sadako resumes advancing creepily on Nanako. Nanako shrieks and runs out of the room, and Sadako chases her. They run in fast motion all around the building as the camera fades out…)_


End file.
